一个英国人的汉译英试译（以此接得某大项目）

dumont wrote:

希望大家对我的译文也批批，抓到一个类似以上的比较严重的错误，感谢不尽。不要说没有问题，难道我的译文比英国人的译文还好吗？
：）

dumont wrote:
1250型混捏成套设备用于碳素产品的混捏工序。此工序主要由配料工步、混捏工步、热糊料出料工步、热糊料冷却工步、冷糊料出料工步等五个工步组成。
Model 1250 mixer/kneader is used in the processing of carbon products. The process consists of five-procedures as ingredients dispensing, mixing/kneading, hot paste discharging, paste cooling, cold paste discharging.

dumont wrote:
在开始的配料工序阶段，采用失重称量法把需要称重且符合工艺要求的粉料和沥青，按照要求的配比比例加入到混捏机的混捏腔内。
In the initial ingredients dispensing stage, powder filler and tar conforming to process requirements are weighed using weight loss scale and fed, in accordance with the specified mixing ratio, into the cavity of the mixer/kneader.

dumont wrote:
完成粉料加料后，预混物料、混捏物料。预混、混捏的工艺要求温度180-250℃。混捏机的混捏腔是双层结构，双层结构的夹套内通温度180-280℃的循环使用的热导热油，加热混捏糊料。
After the powder particles are fed into the mixer cavity, the stages of premixing and kneading begin at the required processing temperature of 180-250℃. The cavity of the mixer/kneader is equipped with a double jacket containing 180-280℃ circulating oil to heat up and mix/knead the paste.

dumont wrote:
物料混捏合格，达到工艺要求后，把混捏好的热糊料放置到冷却机的冷却腔内冷却。冷却机的冷却腔是双层结构，双层结构的夹套内通温度35-40℃的循环使用的冷导热油，热糊料在此冷却。待糊料冷却到70℃后，将 冷糊料放置到ACM的进料料斗。
After the materials are mixed/kneaded to process requirement, the hot paste is discharged into the cooler to cool down. The cooler cavity is equipped with a double jacket containing 35-40℃ circulating oil by which the hot paste is cooled to a temperature of 70℃ and then discharged into the ACM feed hopper.

ysun wrote:

1250型混捏成套设备用于碳素产品的混捏工序。此工序主要由配料工步、混捏工步、热糊料出料工步、热糊料冷却工步、冷糊料出料工步等五个工步组成。
Model 1250 mixer/kneader is used in the processing of carbon products. The process consists of five-procedures as ingredients dispensing, mixing/kneading, hot paste discharging, paste cooling, cold paste discharging.

1) “混捏工序”中“混捏”两字漏译。
2) “The process consists of five-procedures”。我认为five-procedures应改为 five stages或 five steps. ”mixing/kneading” 之类只是 a step，而不是 a procedure。Usually, a procedure consists of a number of steps.
3) 你把“配料工步”译为 “ingredients dispensing”，我认为不妥。虽然 dispensing译成中文确实可以译为“配料”，但这个“配料”主要是“分配”（distribute）的意思。如下图所示：
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25081376-462,00.html
原文的“配料”实际是指 formulating。另一位用的“batch feeding” 比dispensing为好。实际上 batching 这个词是常作配料用的。

ysun wrote:
在开始的配料工序阶段，采用失重称量法把需要称重且符合工艺要求的粉料和沥青，按照要求的配比比例加入到混捏机的混捏腔内。
In the initial ingredients dispensing stage, powder filler and tar conforming to process requirements are weighed using weight loss scale and fed, in accordance with the specified mixing ratio, into the cavity of the mixer/kneader.

1) 前面我提过， “using weight loss scale”不是“失重称量”的意思。
2) 你上面用 “five-procedures as ingredients dispensing, …”，此处却用 “ingredients dispensing stage”。前后不一致。

ysun wrote:
完成粉料加料后，预混物料、混捏物料。预混、混捏的工艺要求温度180-250℃。混捏机的混捏腔是双层结构，双层结构的夹套内通温度180-280℃的循环使用的热导热油，加热混捏糊料。
After the powder particles are fed into the mixer cavity, the stages of premixing and kneading begin at the required processing temperature of 180-250℃. The cavity of the mixer/kneader is equipped with a double jacket containing 180-280℃ circulating oil to heat up and mix/knead the paste.
1) “the stages of premixing and kneading begin at the … temperature of 180-250℃”， 这不确切，因为从原文意思和逻辑上讲，并非 premixing and kneading 一开始时温度就是 180-250℃，而应有一个升温过程。
2) 前面我提过，这个“双层结构”并非 “a double jacket”，而是 “a double-walled structure”。
3) 如果 “to heat up and mix/knead the paste”是作 “circulating oil” 的定语，那么可以说你前一半是对的，但后一半从逻辑上是讲不通的。 “Circulating oil” 怎么能用来 to mix/knead the paste呢？“加热混捏糊料”应译为 “to heat the mixed/kneaded paste”。

ysun wrote:
物料混捏合格，达到工艺要求后，把混捏好的热糊料放置到冷却机的冷却腔内冷却。冷却机的冷却腔是双层结构，双层结构的夹套内通温度35-40℃的循环使用的冷导热油，热糊料在此冷却。待糊料冷却到70℃后，将 冷糊料放置到ACM的进料料斗。
After the materials are mixed/kneaded to process requirement, the hot paste is discharged into the cooler to cool down. The cooler cavity is equipped with a double jacket containing 35-40℃ circulating oil by which the hot paste is cooled to a temperature of 70℃ and then discharged into the ACM feed hopper.

1) “After the materials are mixed/kneaded to process requirement” 似应改为 “After the materials have been mixed/kneaded to meet the process requirement”。
2) “double jacket” 问题同上。
3) 同样，下面这段话从逻辑上讲不通： “… a double jacket containing 35-40℃ circulating oil by which the hot paste is … then discharged into the ACM feed hopper.”

ysun wrote:
此外，还有些小毛病。例如，定冠词 the 该加时没加，不该加时反倒加了。不过，这是英语为非母语者包括我自己常犯的错。请原谅我的挑剔，这是我的“职业病”。:D 我对我自己的译文更为挑剔，否则难以在此行业立足。谢谢！

wherestip wrote:

dumont,

我同意 Yueyin 上面的分析. 你提出的几项"大的差错"基本上是没什么问题的.

1) Yueyin 的建议很好: "(such and such) is used in the kneading process for carbon products."

退而言之, 相比起来, "the process of kneading carbon products" 比 "in the processing of carbon products" 要明确得多.


2) Yes, I agree that "in which" is more grammatically correct. However, "between which" in this instance is also acceptable, especially colloquially. Actually, in my opinion "between which" makes for a clearer description of the mechanism because of the two-layer structure (or as Yueyin put it, "two walls") that forms the jacket.


3) Agree with Yueyin. The amount of raw material loaded into the kneader is determined by the weight differential measured before and after the loading. The term "loss-of-weight method" is understandable.


4) The terms "refrigeration" and "cooling" are both correct. Perhaps the translator preferred a bit of variation and used the term "refrigeration" among the multiple uses of "cool" and "cooling". IMO, strictly speaking, this step is exactly a process of "refrigerating", according to the term's definition on its wikipedia page.


5) "heating the kneaded paste" and "heating the kneading paste" are both correct. One is past tense, the other present progressive tense. Here's another example of usage of the latter ...





[Edited at 2009-03-09 00:33 GMT]

dumont wrote:

wherestip,

Thanks for the comment. But I am afraid that since your waterloo at the last contest, there is a serious security breach to your credit as a judge of translation. You were the first to spot a winner, but the last to see an obvious and massive mistake.

dumont wrote:

wherestip,

Thanks for the comment. But I am afraid that since your waterloo at the last contest, there is a serious security breach to your credit as a judge of translation. You were the first to spot a winner, but the last to see an obvious and massive mistake.

dumont wrote:

希望大家对我的译文也批批，抓到一个类似以上的比较严重的错误，感谢不尽。不要说没有问题，难道我的译文比英国人的译文还好 吗？
：）

dumont wrote:

wherestip,

Thanks for the comment. But I am afraid that since your waterloo at the last contest, there is a serious security breach to your credit as a judge of translation. You were the first to spot a winner, but the last to see an obvious and massive mistake.

wherestip wrote:

Congratulations to Paul Hirsh for his excellent translation.

His entry was the one I was rooting for. It stood out in his thorough understanding of the Chinese text. His English rendering was also the most accurate and concise IMO.

BTW, I've noticed it was the only entry among the final 5 that did not use the English word "history" verbatim for the term "历史".

wherestip wrote:
Judging a translation
... is quite time-consuming when having to scrutinize every word and every sentence. But after taking some time scanning through the Chinese to English submissions in general, I thought there was a clear winner. The understanding of the source text and overall writing style of the target text clearly stood out.

我们常常听人说，自己醒悟了，明白了，觉悟了之类的。
或许是的，或许不是的，更多的是在途中说的话。
我们没有可能说终极性的、不会变的话。那么这句话本身是不是终极的呢？这句话和它指向的话并不在一个意义上说的，这是一种视角立场，我们最好不要这样问。

ysun wrote:


Dumont,

If you have such an attitude, what sense would it make for you to open this discussion and invite comments from the peers? Don't you think what you said above is in contradiction to the following statement you made at the very beginning?

dumont wrote:

wherestip,

You clearly understand the word waterloo more than Mr. Sun, it's not really that depreciating or humiliating applied to you, is it?

I had looked upon you as a man whose mastery of the English language was almost legendary amongst the relevant Chinese on the site. But since the Napoleonic waterloo, not of playful willfulness as sometimes you manifest and people can clearly see with a wink to each other, but by sheer oversight, of not being able to see that translation mistake referred to, that legend has faded somewhat.

While I still value your input as much as I could, believe me, your opinions are no longer taken for granted.